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Well, if you really want to hear about it the\h
problem is that just when some poor bastard starts\h\h

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to think to himself Jesus Fucking Christ this shit is real, the goddamned enormity of it all,

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the implications of the entire craptastic house of\h
cards falling down and the fact that there really\h\h

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might be actual aliens flying around our tortured\h
spinning blue ball of life, well, that's what pulls\h\h

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the entire frayed wine spilled cat peed rug out\h
from under us again. Fucking A man, aliens, so yeah,

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your brain explodes like a bag of pop rocks. It's\h
easy to think if there really were ETs we'd know\h\h

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already but then you remember the magical secrecy\h
tour the government's taking us on and wonder what\h\h

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that shit was all about and just when you think\h
you should get a three color all cotton vintage to\h\h

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the stars academy beach towel you see that wank\h
dolphin in the fedex shorts standing outside his\h\h

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truck that's double parked in front of your car\h
and you forget about this we are not alone bs\h\h

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because who's got time for extraterrestrials\h
ultra [ __ ] terrestrials atlantian fish people\h\h

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hitchhiking skin walkers or some lost reject\h
from the future when there's an ass that needs\h\h

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kicking besides if there was some big damn secret\h
about ufos they sure as hell wouldn't have told\h\h

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some douchebag in a 90s rock band before they\h
told you now would they maybe adele but even\h\h

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that's a stretch so if you spend all night in bed\h
staring at the lava lamp you promised you'd donate\h\h

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thinking about what the [ __ ] is going on and\h
how if crop circles are real then maybe we should\h\h

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switch to texting with e.t and feed the world when\h
you have to throw off the covers before the damn\h\h

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sun even comes up so you can drive to some\h
place you could not give two shits about so\h\h

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the government can take half your already flaccid\h
paycheck on the serious side of serious radio that\h\h

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day you probably can hear neil the ass tyson\h
make a joke about how ufos get seen by people\h\h

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who just like to make stuff up to get attention\h
or maybe he and his co-lunatics like bill nye\h\h

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send out some other phony with a dumb british\h
accent a guy named mick or twit who gets on some\h\h

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[ __ ] cable news show and says he doesn't see\h
any evidence that it's probably your imagination\h\h

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or or maybe even birds or some [ __ ] [ __ ] birds\h
you pull your ride over to get your shaky act back\h\h

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together hoping this will all make sense in a\h
haze of vape smoke wondering how we're supposed\h\h

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to figure out their warp drives and all if we\h
still don't really know if they wear clothes\h\h

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that's when you realize it's so blazing hot as\h
you can fry a goddamn turkey patty on the sidewalk\h\h

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but don't say global warming oh because that's\h
only a theory and that's when you realize that\h\h

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half the rubbernecks in this decaying orbit of a\h
nation say it's your choice what to believe anyway\h\h

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right you don't have to believe in facts or covid\h
or elections or any of that crap anymore you sure\h\h

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as all [ __ ] don't have to believe in aliens when\h
you can blame it on russian drones which is a joke\h\h

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and a half the only real truth these days is that\h
nobody knows what's true anymore about anything\h\h

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pick your reality and stick with it that's when\h
it hits you that these ugly grey mutants from\h\h

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zeta reticuli who look like they're here on\h
a cosmic sperm hunt brought everything they\h\h

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needed with them in those saucers so they could\h
tag us like deers or snowy plovers or whatever\h\h

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and it makes you wonder why is it that you can't\h
even get a rice crispy treat at starbucks because\h\h

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some trucker in nashville can't get to houston to\h
not get a shipment off a boat that can't unload\h\h

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so you stop thinking about ufos at\h
least today because nobody really knows\h\h

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but whatever the hell you do don't call them ufos\h
because now we're all oiled up to call them uaps\h\h

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which means exactly the same thing but some\h
genius said well people are scared to believe\h\h

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in unidentified flying objects but if we call\h
them unidentified aerial phenomena yeah that'd\h\h

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be completely [ __ ] different and don't call\h
anybody an abductee because now they're all\h\h

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experiencers and they'll experience their [ __ ]\h
all over you they have their own private meetings\h\h

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at ufo conventions now i swear to god sorry please\h
excuse all the goddamn swearing you know obviously\h\h

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we need some new curse words maybe these et's have\h
a few we can borrow except some can or karen would\h\h

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call it out as cultural stealing and somebody\h
would have to burn an apple store and protest\h\h

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and don't look for the president to fix this\h
trump was too focused on talking about himself\h\h

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to trust with the secret and biden\h
is too cunning to tell it anyway\h\h

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they're probably both afraid they'd end up like\h
jfk clinton sure as hell was the point here is\h\h

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that real ufos get seen by millions of people\h
but the world pretends these anti-gravity racers\h\h

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don't even exist and that makes as much sense as\h
buying bitcoin on the upswing i mean seriously\h\h

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there's some cranky as hell senator who's like\h
112 years old in washington who i saw on tv\h\h

53
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who believes we never went to the [ __ ] moon but\h
he's absolutely convinced that nasa has had people\h\h

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on mars since the reagan years by the way they\h
say this old rat face is a shoo-in for re-election\h\h

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why should it make sense anyway you had people\h
teaching high school who think that tv show\h\h

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about project blue book was a documentary right\h
but before you trash talk them remember you also\h\h

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got a harvard professor who thinks a rock named\h
after some half-naked hawaiian dude is a spaceship\h\h

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and you got jeff freakin bezos who\h
built a spaceship that looks like a dick\h\h

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and he got captain kirk to take a ride in it\h
and if i have to listen to one more podcaster\h\h

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interview some other lousy podcaster to make his\h
weekly quota of stupid guests with nothing to say\h\h

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well [ __ ] i'd probably take a ride in the\h
dick rocket just to put myself out of my misery\h\h

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over the years though millions of these bastards\h
morons and madmen who see some [ __ ] in the sky\h\h

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do manage to get out their super powered bat\h
phones and take pictures of these dancing light\h\h

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shows and they say [ __ ] oh like 200 times more\h
than i do to describe what they're seeing instead\h\h

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of what day it is or what the weather's like or\h
where they are so there'd be some actual evidence\h\h

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maybe and then bam this linguistic [ __ ] fest\h
is up on instagram faster than a speeding tic tac\h\h

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and their stoner friends tell them what a freaking\h
genius they are hashtag that ufo twitter people\h\h

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you found today's smoking gun i hate twitter of\h
course but i read it anyway because the avalanche\h\h

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of [ __ ] just knocks me out wilson memo orbs\h
water sucking tastes great less filling is this\h\h

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what disclosure looks like find me a quietest\h
kitten let me get a good night's sleep finally\h\h

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meanwhile last summer the government puts out\h
a report that says this [ __ ] is real except\h\h

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we have no damn clue what they are where they're\h
from or who makes these flying [ __ ] saucers as\h\h

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if bald scaly-headed generals with stars on their\h
shoulders haven't been sitting on what they got\h\h

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at roswell back in the good old days when we could\h
still nuke anybody and they couldn't nuke us back\h\h

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maybe the collins elite dudes at dod got hit by an\h
amnesia space ray if that's even a thing anymore\h\h

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i'd ask harry reid but he's on the other side\h
now stuck in a steaming pile of woo or maybe\h\h

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i could get sean spicer on the cell because\h
i'm pretty sure spicer is next up to run mufon\h\h

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but anyway this flimsy ass report makes news for\h
like three hours and then it's on to live coverage\h\h

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of the britney spears freedom march makes me wanna\h
puke and when somebody's holding your forehead\h\h

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over the toilet that's when you remember that\h
smoke and joe biden just signed a defense budget\h\h

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sent his way by congress right after christmas\h
that's like oh maybe a thousand trillion dollars\h\h

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and inside this giant [ __ ] ton of bucks is\h
enough extra money to get serious about studying\h\h

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uab which is a joke and a half because that\h
would mean they've been sitting on their hands\h\h

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since hitler took a dirt nap and just decided\h
to look the other way when foo fighters ghost\h\h

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rockets and flying saucers were scaring the holy\h
[ __ ] out of people flying the unfriendly skies\h\h

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this amendment comes from the new team-up of\h
gillibrand and rubio she's that blonde democrat\h\h

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new york senator lady who i'm pretty sure was a\h
babe and a half in college and he's the republican\h\h

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florida whack job senator rista who probably got\h
passed by his frat brothers back in his campus\h\h

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days anyway the only god damn thing these two\h
have ever agreed on besides running for president\h\h

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is that ufos might just be a problem anyway so\h
now congress and the president and the pentagon\h\h

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and the cia say they're going to look into it for\h
real and that means even putting together a team\h\h

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that can get to a crash site faster than the\h
avengers which sounds like a tv series i might\h\h

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actually watch and they're also going to check\h
out people who are getting sick when they see\h\h

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these flying whatevers but for me if i ever do see\h
a ufo up close enough then i could hit it with a\h\h

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clean nine iron shot i'm gonna wear an n95 all the\h
way to my eyebrows unless it gets in the way of\h\h

96
00:09:07,116 --> 00:09:14,076
kissing my ass goodbye i don't trust any of them\h
they already had some goddamn thing called the uap\h\h

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task force so these generals decided to\h
improve that and now it's called the aoimsg\h\h

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or oimsga or some [ __ ] this girl on tik-tok\h
says msg is monosodium glutamate which can give\h\h

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you a headache which sounds right i mean how are\h
these guys supposed to win wars if they can't even\h\h

100
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name something i probably should smoke a bowl\h
of area 51 sativa to calm down but even then\h\h

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i think about this [ __ ] one of my favorite\h
things after hitting up the local dispensary\h\h

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is to listen to lou the spy dude talk on a\h
podcast you know him even if you think you don't\h\h

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he's the one with the goatee baseball cap and some\h
bad ass tats i guess i must be watching him on tv\h\h

104
00:09:57,916 --> 00:10:04,716
too anyway my buddy zeke calls his beard a fravor\h
saver which isn't even funny but it cracks us up\h\h

105
00:10:05,596 --> 00:10:10,876
why does lou always say he can't really talk\h
and then say some crazy [ __ ] about crashes\h\h

106
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and all that's what i'd ask all those online\h
gatekeepers but i don't have enough bread to\h\h

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pay for their patreon subscriptions when i've\h
got a buzz on i think about the 47th season of\h\h

108
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dancing with the stars and i wonder if the spy\h
dude can tango will they let him wear his hat\h\h

109
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deep [ __ ] like that mainly because the actual\h
truth is too stupid he's cool though kind of like\h\h

110
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ufology's batman which makes the tall guy with the\h
tie that he used to hang out with alfred i guess\h\h

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i mean jesus h christ on a hot dog stick we all\h
know the boat's leaking but people still don't\h\h

112
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think it's time to admit we're in the middle of\h
the greatest [ __ ] bases loaded pressure play\h\h

113
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in human history we think yeah oh [ __ ] today\h
will be the day when they let it all hang out\h\h

114
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but the entire goddamn hair on fire cosmic [ __\h
] boom of ufo disclosure never seems to get there\h\h

115
00:11:03,276 --> 00:11:08,716
there's the real moment of zen i mean for\h
[ __ ] sake tic tacs are not zipping around\h\h

116
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navy jets to keep the skies minty fresh\h
the closer some of us get to admitting the\h\h

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impossible the more the rest get hypnotized\h
into believing there's nothing to see here\h\h

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there's some [ __ ] who calls himself a\h
ufo activist whatever the hell that means\h\h

119
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who every goddamn lousy year says the shit's\h
coming down next year it never [ __ ] does\h\h

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but he's playing the odds that one year he'll\h
finally be right but maybe he never will and\h\h

121
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god is giving his balls a little tickle every few\h
months with a with a leak here and a tease there\h\h

122
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but i guess if somebody should have a sense of\h
humor in this whole freak show god should get\h\h

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the first crack at it unless he's an alien then\h
just get me a private room in the james forestall\h\h

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psychiatric institute where nurse ratchet is a\h
nordic who arrives every morning by fuhrerball\h\h

125
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we all want the dirty truth yeah but but really\h
don't want the whole goddamn world even if it is\h\h

126
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a piece of burning sewage most days to fall apart\h
more than it has already if that's possible so\h\h

127
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the toe gets dipped in what passes for water and\h
it's cold and muddy and we run home to mama who\h\h

128
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tells us monsters aren't real and have some hot\h
cocoa and the next day nobody remembers a thing\h\h

129
00:12:21,756 --> 00:12:27,836
so life goes [ __ ] on and on every time we move\h
the football the morons in charge add a few more\h\h

130
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yards to the field no reptilian overlord did this\h
to us it's goddamn humans who kept this mother\h\h

131
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effing secret from other humans even if the truth\h
is that we're just an amoeba in a giant petri dish\h\h

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or a big nothing living a couple of rungs down on\h
a food chain or some kind of holographic matrix to\h\h

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the max simulation i'd like to know so i could\h
start hoarding toilet paper again with a clear\h\h

134
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conscience i mean what the absolute [ __ ] [ __\h
] is going on either these space sisters need\h\h

135
00:12:59,116 --> 00:13:05,116
to show up for real and put an end to this [ __\h
] because we won't or they and their e.t bros\h\h

136
00:13:05,116 --> 00:13:10,556
need to get the [ __ ] out of here and take their\h
fleets of mother ships and sport saucers with them\h\h

137
00:13:10,556 --> 00:13:18,556
and let us get back to our own pathetic\h
lives and that's all i have to say about it